On Motherhood

This morning I looked in the mirror, smiled, and felt like myself again. Part of it may be due to the fact that I'm wearing pre-pregnancy pants... But overall I can say that I feel good emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The last few months were a roller coaster, and I needed to get to the point that I could unstrap myself, jump off the ride, and wave goodbye to the ups and downs.

The moment Nick and I saw Maylee we instantly fell in love with her. It's hard to describe all the emotions that came over us, but I'll never forget the day she was born. Our parents were able to come see her and the whole experience was honestly one of the most special times I've experienced. Thinking back to her birth day brings a smile to my face as the excitement of being a parent comes over me again. 

Because I had a c-section, we were in the hospital for 3 nights - I'm not even going to downplay the fear that came over me as we were getting ready to leave the hospital. I instantly felt unprepared and scared to be responsible for a little 6 pound human being. As I think back on it, the majority of these nerves came because I was struggling so much with nursing. 

From the very beginning, nursing was rough - I don't know what I was expecting, but the whole experience was so painful and complicated for me and for Maylee - we had issues and at this point I'm not even sure what the real problem was (I was told so many different things I can't keep it all straight)... When we got home, I had a meltdown and called my mom and she instantly jumped in the car and came down. I met with a lactation specialist that week and started to feel like I was getting the hang of things. 

I started to gain some confidence, and a new round of problems would appear. I was missing something because it was a miserable experience for both Maylee and I. I waited for the bonding experience I'd heard other people talk about but it didn't seem to come. What seemed to appear far too often was tears and feelings like something was wrong with me since everyone else seemed to love breastfeeding and talk as though they hadn't had difficulties with the process.

I should have done more to prepare myself for the ups and downs of breastfeeding... I made a lot of mistakes and things might have turned out differently if I'd been more prepared. I got to the point that I thought exclusively pumping would be easier... At first it worked great, but it eventually became too much work. To pump, then bottle feed Maylee took so much time, and when I got 4 blocked ducts in 8 days I realized that emotionally I couldn't keep trying to feed my baby breast milk. 

It's been 3 weeks since I tossed in the towel and started to dedicate my time to being a more emotionally stable mom. It's been a good change for me (and for Nick and Maylee too) and I'm finally to the point where I truly feel like it's ok that I didn't try nursing for longer. It feels good to do something for myself so I can give more attention to my baby and my husband. Next time things might be different, but either way I know that nursing can be difficult and it's not as easy as people make it look.

I feel so lucky to be Maylee's mom - she sleeps good, she's always so happy, and she is adorable! Here's to less stress and simplifying my life :)